Connection

If I were to describe myself without trying to impress anyone, I would describe myself as shy, unassertive, introverted, warm, kind-hearted, loyal with a hint of courage now and then. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I am slightly unaware of my surroundings especially in social settings and also have low awareness of my facial expressions. As a result, I am sometimes misunderstood for being judgemental(based solely on my facial expressions and not any words that were spoken), alientated and excluded at times for it. I took up a job that required me to work weekends and one that is hard to take leave from.I have to makeup for days I missed rather than getting a few days off like the rest of the organised work industry. So I missed a bunch of family gatherings, birthday parties, long weekend trips, important events. You can also now add to my list of faults as someone who probably doesn't really care for others even though they are super important to me in my head. 

Expression of feelings and emotions is not one that happens often in the home I grew up in. Infact, I was probably the most dramatic and expressive person in my family which is not saying much. We all shy away from confrontation. As a result, my only sibling doesn't have a single picture of me in his house. I sometimes walk on eggshells around my very dearest and loving mother who can be a walking contradiction at times and I don't think my father knows how much he means to me. I certainly don't know how much I really mean to him. My sibling who was a role model to me, who I looked up to as the coolest person on this planet when I was growing up,we don't now have much to talk about or have much in common. Music was our one connection but with his current 2-child family, that connection is fading. His kids certainly don't think of me as family. I am known for being the kid that was unable to grow up quickly. I had a hard time (I think the word is) "adulting." So I sometimes get treated like a wallflower where people feel like they can't count on me  which is understandable because I haven't really proved them wrong. But I don't think I have proved them right either. I understand that I am going to sound a bit dark now; When you die, your picture is put up everywhere and people think of you as being absent where you could have been, but in my situation I simply don't exist in some cases.  

My one saving connection, I guess in that sense he is my "hero", is my husband.  The one who says that no matter what I'll always be family to him, I'll always have a place in his world. The one who knows these quirks about me and sees that I do care for him.If there is a next life for me, I hope I am born as someone who helps him when he needs it most. That is my undying gratitude for him. 

I can only imagine what hell it must be for someone without even a single connection in their lives.